Behind the Smile

Bedroom floors.

I’ve discovered they are a great place to sit - limbs in a heap - with a partially dried tear on my face pondering the innumerable ups and downs of life. My bedroom floor is often where I find myself when I find it too difficult to verbalize that I fear the ‘downs’ will always be constant and overwhelming. It is where I press my hands against my chest acknowledging the physical feelings associated with deep emotion. It is also the place where I pour out my soul to a loving Father who listens to me and speaks to me. It is where I dive head first into His Word and am overcome with peace because of the life I find within it.

Get you a floor that can do both.

That was dumb, sorry. Anyway…

I think we as a generation are tired of dishonesty. We are tired of things that feel put-on or showy and a lot of us have a really great “fake-meter” that can determine quickly if someone is performing instead of being authentic. Yet we are all guilty at times of hiding our real selves because of the fear of being rejected or judged. Or sometimes, we hide simply because it paints a picture of us that we would prefer to have the world see. So...what’s behind your smile?

I want to share with you what’s behind mine.

There is some sadness behind my smile today. I can’t exactly put my finger on why it is there, which in all honesty leads to frustration. I am frustrated that I cannot do away with the parts of my humanity that are never good enough. Today I asked the Lord something along the lines of, “How come so-and-so’s humanity doesn’t show as much as mine does?” What a stupid question, right?

There is brokenness behind my smile. A brokenness that seems pretty insurmountable and confusing. There is also fear there, trying to poke and push me around, asking me to give it the right to hold my hand even though I’ve refused many times. My smile wants you to like it...to like me...and maybe that’s even part of the reason for this post. I mean, we are being honest, right?

But I want to tell you what else is behind my smile.

Hope is behind my smile. The greatest hope I have ever known. And why is it there? It is there because of Jesus Christ and Him alone. There is an expectancy behind my smile, that believes unwaveringly in goodness and love and beauty. The gentle and uplifting voice of God is there, in the deep and in the middle, asking for an intimacy with me that exposes all that is imperfect. There is trust behind my smile, the kind of trust that is entirely reliant on something outside of myself.

There is much behind my smile...some of it is characterized by pain and some of it is not, but it is all filled with joy. You can only go so far behind it until you come to the reason for my smile...and that is Jesus. Do I slump on my bedroom floor and cry and ask questions that don’t make sense to me? Yes! But I also am continually met there and picked up off the floor because of compassion that never fails, and mercy that is new every single morning. Nothing is or ever will be hopeless...nothing is lost...nothing is purposeless because of the One who has saved me and lifted my eyes to meet His. There is faith behind my smile...confidence in what I hope for and assurance in what I cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1)

We all have a story that is far too big to be conveyed through a social media post, a blog, a photo...or a smile. The beauty of walking with an all-loving Father is that even in the midst of battles and pain and sorrow, that smile doesn’t have to be fake. In our distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9), He remembers that we are human (Psalm 103:13-14), and His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) The loving sacrifice that Jesus made is a foundation that ensures that I never have to stay in hopelessness because He has given me a life of freedom.

So let me encourage you to be honest about what’s “behind your smile” (I have said that so many times that it is just beyond cheesy now...bear with me). Even if that honesty is just with yourself and with God, there is always light to be found in dark places. With Him even all the messiness of our humanity can become something beautiful and good. And for that I am so thankful.

For that, I smile.

Love,

Kimber